saltysalt

im in mexico city right now and so far i think i have lost some weight unintentionally. i avoided food at all cost with the fear of having diarrhea so i ended up mostly drinking bottled water and fresh fruit. the downside is i have started to smoke too much but i cant helpt it. it really suppresses my appetite and somehow gives me energy. anyways i mostly walk alot and sometimes i would be so hungry that my stomach hurts. yah!!!!!

i cant forcus and study since i got home. i dont know what's wrong with me. im feeling hungry now and i like it. i am so stressed out and just want to disappear. i am so fat and unhappy.

remember...if you keep telling yourself that fatty unnutritious food is digusting, you will believe it. everytime you see those food, say out loud how disgusting they are. disgusting. disgusting. disgusting.

think thin
cuz thin is in

i dont care what i do or how i do it, just lose the fatness. make them disappear so that i can see my bones. bones takes determination and discipline so discipline yourself. bones equals discipline. i need more practices in that department cuz practices make perfection. i have to see my bones again cuz i miss them so much and they are all i think about.

The only best part of school is being in class away from home and food and not eating. this week i am gonna eat fruit for breakfast and anything for lunch and then fast after 2pm. Total calories should be 500cals since i cant eat after 2 anyways. I'm so happy i havent purged since new year mainly because i know my heart is arthymic due to the stimulants i took and plus i can risk ruining my teeth anymore.

Gonna weight myself tmr and man it better be lower.

lately i dont know why i cant concentrate and the more i try the worst it gets and then i would just end up looking up ED site or doing something non-work related. then when i am bored i would sit there doing nothing again, listening to music. my coke song is playing now and i remember how i used to always play it whenever i was sniffing. it brought back great memories and i really missed doing it. i remember this other time when a different song would come up and then it reminded me of the days i would just listen to only that song whenever i smoked weed. i had my own set of cocaine and weed music files. like this is the type of songs i like to listen if i am on stimulant or on relaxant. i love how the song has an effect on me for such a long time. everyone has their songs especially if you are in a relationship but then after a break up and you hear that special song you share with your sig. other, it brings back that memorable moment. no matter how hard you try not relate that song to that person anymore, you cant help it.
....feels like days are going by so fast yet i dont want that mainly because i know finals are coming but then i am glad cuz after finals i'll be out of state. i just dont want to think about having to study.

i weighted myself this morning and i'm only down to 117lb :(

work today was craziely busy. and my pharmacist offered me some corn chips. i couldnt say no cuz she knew i hadnt been eating since i started my shift. argh god i hate it when that happen. i felt like she purposely wanted to shovel food in my face when i know she was just being nice. man but the chips were good though.

i woke up this morning with the weirdest dream... that i was making out with this unfamiliar guy. it was so good, much better than in real life. damn why did i wake up? we could have done more.

uh today was horrible. wtf was wrong with me? i was doing absolutely fine yesterday until i woke up this morning and screwed up my routine. gotta squeeze in two hours of excersice today.

Goal: this week 04/17 -04/23
monday: zero cal
tuesday: zero cal
wednesday: 500cals
work-out: 1hr
thursday: zero cal
friday: 400cal
work-out:1hr
sat: zero cal
sun: zero cal
weight in day: should be 115lbs

I gotta stick to this....i can do it. i know i can.
now....off to punishing myself